So this past week was another trip to the fertility clinic to stock up on some stash for another round of fertility treatment. If you have been through any sort of fertility treatment or had a friend go through this, you would know by ‘stash’, I am referring to meds, injections, needles, chart sheet, the works.
We have had 3 failed IUI’s (Intauterine insemination), commonly known as AI (artificial insemination), these past few months and we are now heading into our 4th, hopefully last, attempt!
When I decided to officially start blogging just over a week ago, I was really excited to start blogging about my pregnancy. I thought, what a perfect time to get this going, the month I fall pregnant, I was convinced this 3rd round worked!
Errr no, sorry, that was clearly not going to happen after my ‘stories’ made yet another appearance a few days later.
My honest response was….. REALLY?! I sat for a moment, closed my eyes, took a deep breath and reminded myself, ‘all in Gods perfect timing’ and that was it.
I do not know how anyone can go through this without having God in their lives, actually something like this, or any hurdle in their lives for that matter!
These past 18 months of TTC have been quite a journey and we are ok with it, but I know for a fact that is only because God has been in our lives and given us such peace about our situation.
When we first started TTC, I honestly believed we would fall pregnant instantly, I signed up for a year prescription of ‘Your Pregnancy’ magazine, I bought books on nutrition for pregnancy, researched on exact supplements I needed to take to ensure a healthy pregnancy, I was determined to have my body in tiptop shape for this soon to be pregnancy.
Ok, so, one month passed, then two, then three. Hmmm, this did not make sense, we are both healthy, ok, we’re no spring chickens, but we’re by no means old! We eat well, we exercise, non-drinkers, non-smokers, what’s the problem, why is this not happening? After 6 months of trying I was getting slightly annoyed with my Gynae who was adamant we only seek help and go for testing after a year of TTC. I insisted we do at least something, anything. So I went in, had a scan, all looked good, went for bloods, all good, no problem my side.
We tried for another 2 months, and slowly fear started creeping in. I contacted my Gynae to find out what the next step was, once again, she told me to wait at least a year, then we could take things further.
Friends of ours who had recently been through fertility treatment suggested hubby go for a check-up at a Urologist in the meantime so we can at least get that cleared out. We immediately made an appointment and within that week we found out there was a problem on his side. He was diagnosed with a varicocele.
Sorry… A whaaat?! “Vari’co’seeel”. Oh I see, which means what!? Yes, my exact reaction!
This is basically an enlarged vein in the testicle, which heats up and kills off sperm. You don’t need to be a doctor to come to the conclusion that this is not exactly a great place for germinating good swimmers!
Specialist recommended surgery to have this repaired.
Surgery booked for the next couple of weeks that followed. Good. This was sure to solve our problem and we’ll be pregnant in no time! Right? Wrong!
6 months after surgery we were advised to see a fertility specialist as the operation had not been successful as the sperm quality had not improved.
No no no, this cannot be happening, this must be a mistake, this happens to other people, not us?
Here we are, 18 months after we had started planning a family and 3 IUI’s later.
This is not how I planned it, we should have had our first child by now, and I should have been pregnant with number two already!
Then again, getting married also did not turn out the way I expected it, I wanted to be married by at least 28, have 2 children by the age of 30. That clearly did not quite work out, as I only met my now- husband at the age of 31.
Got married at 33, and now I am sitting at 36, most content I have ever been, yet struggling to fall pregnant, and I am honestly ‘ok’ with it. It wasn’t as easy as that though, God has certainly had to teach me a thing or two about Patience and especially Trust!
If I look at what God has done in our lives these last 18months, I am in total awe of His goodness, His grace, His love and favor upon our lives. I can totally see why it has not happened yet, God has been preparing us for our next journey. He is busy working in our hearts, our marriage, our home, our lives, our walk with Him, to be the best parents we can possibly be. Just as God was preparing me, over the years, even before I gave my life to Him, without me even knowing, preparing my heart, to be a wife, and in His timing, everything just fell into place.
The thing is, God sees the bigger picture, we are so focused on the now that we forget that, and I have to remind myself of this every so often. I have to remind myself that God is in control and I need to let go and trust Him and for the first time ever during this journey, I can honestly say that I have let go and that I do trust Him. There is no better place to be in this world, than to be resting in God’s peace.
So heading into the first week of our 4th IUI, I am feeling once again excited, because I know this is another step closer to God’s perfect plan, they say it can take up to 6 IUI’s for it be successful, so who knows… this month could be ours!