This morning I was so excited to get to Path Care for a blood test, I was hopeful, I thought this was it, this was going to be our turn. I actually got there before they even opened, we live right around the corner, so it took me exactly 6 minutes to walk there. Yes I timed myself.
Ok, it might have taken a bit longer if I walked at a normal pace, but every minute I found myself speed walking, rushing past work commuters as if I was late for an important meeting.
The nurse was friendly, took my blood, she could see how excited I was and I told her we had an IUI done 2 weeks ago and I thought this was it.
She asked if it was my first. I replied “no, our 4th, I am so excited, I can’t wait for the results”.
She was quiet.
I sat smiling like a paw-paw, until she pricked me hard and drew blood. Ouch, no matter how many times I have had to self inject, I still squirm every time that needle gets dug into my skin.
She did her thing on the computer and wished me luck, then said, “ok I’m going to say it, I can not believe you are so excited for your 4th child! WOW!
I burst out laughing…. “Noooo not our 4th child, our 4th round of IUI”
(although secretly in my heart I was thinking “flip I soooo wish!”)
“I thought you were way too excited for a 4th child” she blurted out.
Back home/office, I could not get any work done, watching every second go by, nearly two hours had passed and I was contemplating whether to take the car or attempt another speed walking session to Path Care for the results. It was raining, but I knew it would take longer with the car to get there. I decided to walk. It was as if God cleared the clouds and it stopped raining. I grabbed my coat and was out the door, I think I made it in less than 5 minutes this time, again I found myself half walking/running, trying to look as casual and relaxed as possible but my heart was racing with excitement. In all the rounds of fertility treatment we had had, this was the first time I was so late and the first time I was going for a blood test to get a result, within a few minutes, I would find out that we are pregnant!
When I walked in, heart pounding against my chest, the nurse told me to have a seat whilst she pulls my file from her computer and prints the results. I anxiously try to read every inch of her facial expression to see if I could spot any indication which would give the results away.
By now my heart was sitting in my throat, she handed me the paper, facing down.
I turned it around, scanning the page for either a + or a POSITIVE.
My eyes came to a stop at NEGATIVE.
My heart sank, I stood up, thanked the nurse and walked back home, at a much slower pace this time.
It was like my mind just went blank, nothing, just a heavy sadness came over me.
I walked slowly, and breathed in the fresh, crisp air, it still hadn’t started raining again.
I called to God, I told him I did not understand, I thought this was it.
I told God I trusted Him and His will and His perfect timing and that I would rather wait for a perfectly healthy baby at His perfect timing. I would wait and I would trust Him. He was my hope, without Him, I could not go through this.
I was going to be ok, it will happen, just not yet.
We were going to be ok.
My heart feels sad, I can’t explain the feeling, it’s the sort of sadness like when you really really miss someone, that longing you feel in the pit of your gut for that person. That deep ache. I sometimes feel that when I think about my dad, just a deep sorrow, where you just want to climb inside yourself and hold yourself, comfort yourself and make it ok. If that makes any sense at all.
I can only explain that it’s my longing to be a mother, missing my unborn child, yet missing something you have never had.
So how could you know what you’re missing.
It has always been such a great desire of mine, to be the perfect wife and be the perfect mother, to have many children to look after and shower with love.
Now at 36, my many will be maximum 2.
Years back, I wanted minimum of 4 children. Yes, crazy I know and not something I would publicly admit, which is ironic as here I am, doing just that.
At Primary school, I was the little girl, whom, when it came to career day at school, did an oral on wanting to be a “perfect mother and wife”. I remember being laughed at, and this one kid shouted out “that’s not a job stoooopid”. My teacher at the time was quick to come to my rescue, “That is THE most important job you can ever have.” I remember being terribly embarrassed, but if I look back now, my heart smiles at this, because at the tender age at 7, I had truly and confidently wanted the most important job in the world, being a mother.
I remember in Primary school, during break period, I would head over to the creche area and help the teachers with the younger children. At 7, that’s pretty awesome, but then again, it was probably because my younger brother, Moses, was there in crèche, and he was my little treasure so secretly I was probably just looking out for him. When he was born, I told my mom she could have many other children, but Moses was mine.
To this day, we have a very strong bond and I thank God that he lives around the corner from us and is such a big part of our lives.
It’s sad how change of events in your life changes your course of where you initially desired to be.
I have no doubt the terrible turn our childhood took most definitely was the cause as to why my early adulthood was such a mess. Things just never working out, having no direction, no real place I could call home, always getting bored, whether it be work, relationships or my location.
There I was, always searching for home, moving 17 times, always feeling lost, out of place, always chasing the wrong things, money, material things. Then relationships, always falling for men who were not good for me, from one extreme to the next, from men who either cheated on me or treated me bad, to men who became obsessed with me, possessive and just wanted me as their trophy wife, all my relationships were just a mess.
Then when the odd good one came along, I ran away, giving them no explanation whatsoever, fear of commitment. I was pretty messed up.
I longed to be married with a family, but I battled with the commitment, then when I thought I had found the love of my life, the first person I had truly felt in my heart I was going to grow old with, our love was there, but over time, our paths just seemed to drift further and further apart, I was always waiting till my life was in ‘order’, ‘get all my ducks in a row’, ’till I was good enough’ to be with him and fully commit to him, all I was doing was running, running from myself.
If I look back now, I know that there was a reason for all this.
I know how different my life would have been if I had God in my life. I would have been able to handle things so much more differently, I would have been grounded in His Love, my confidence would have been in Christ, I would have had hope, healing, purpose, direction, I would have had my Savior, everything would have been ok.
I do know for sure that God does not give you more than you can handle, I know that sounds like a real cliche, but it’s the truth. I know through all these events in my life, it led me to God and I am so grateful for that, because through finding God, I HAVE found healing, freedom, peace, contentment, love, purpose, joy and nothing and no one can replace that or take that away.
No matter how tough things get, no matter what my situation, my confidence lies in Christ, my hope will always remain in Him, I don’t ever have to go through anything in my life alone again, EVER!
When hubby and I woke up in the morning, we had our quiet time before starting the day, we are busy doing a devotional on Giving Thanks During All Circumstances and todays reading was headed: “In Suffering”
(bearing in mind this is before I went for the blood test – this is not exactly the topic you want to be having quiet time on this particular morning!!)
“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us”
We read how we as Christians are able to honestly say “this hurts, it hurts so much and I’m not happy about it, but I have a great hope that this pain is temporary because of what God did.
We read how God himself said Job was a man of integrity for enduring all he had and yet choosing to be faithful to The Lord (Job 2:3) They also talked about how Jesus was a man of sorrow at times, but he did not let that define His life. He died so that we may have hope even in the sufferings of our earthly lives.
I turned to hubby and said “oh no, I hope this is not to prepare us for bad news later :(” He totally dismissed me and said “no don’t be silly”, but looking now, it was God preparing our hearts to not have a ‘breakdown’ when we do get the news and to remind us that our hope lies in Him and this pain is just temporary. Jesus died for us, so that we may have hope even in the toughest of times.
The devotional had a few scriptures which we went through but one that really stood out to us was Romans 5:3-5
“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love.”
WOW, How awesome is that!
Only now as I am writing this, do I realise that this alone is a testimony in itself, how God gave us this word just a few hours before we got the results.
Don’t get me wrong, we weren’t exactly rejoicing at our big fat NEGATIVE, we weren’t dancing around “yay, another character building session, whoohoo”. We were pretty sad, we were walking around for a few hours with long faces, looking like dogs who lost their bones. We walked around making comments like “this sux, life sux, why must life suck”, but it turned out to be more of a joking way. “life sux, then you try for babies and it sux even more”!
The biggest worry for us at this stage is the next step from here, the fertility clinic said they suggested 4 IUI’s and said the next step is IVF, so our biggest concern is the financial burden this will be. With 4 IUI’s, our baby-making fund is up and IVF is way more expensive, so it will take us a while to be able to save for that, so who knows when we would be able to go for that.
Again I am reminded of how great our God is, how our hope has to remain in our Father, how He sees the bigger picture and how we have to trust Him and His perfect timing. I look back now, how He has provided for us during these last 2 years and I have no doubt if IVF is the way we have to go, then He will open doors and provide. Until then, we will keep trying, and who knows, God could show us just how great He is and provide our miracle naturally!
What an awesome testimony that would be!
My mom-in-law sent me this amazing scripture when she found out.
So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you. Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.
I will meditate on this and smile as I am reminded of God’s promise.
I trust you Lord.
Help me Father God to remain in your peace, help us to lean on You and only You. Help us to put aside our selfish desires and to earnestly seek your will for our lives Lord God.
Thank you for all have done for us.